it's me, hi, i'm the problem

feeling the fear and choosing to move forward anyway

There is a meme that's gone about, and I wish I had saved it online, but it said something like "When I was younger, I didn't wish to grow up to be a fearful and anxious person, but here we are". I am paraphrasing dreadfully, but the words were written something along those lines. I remember laughing uneasily like, I can relate, but is it sad that I can?

I suppose one can look at my history on this earth since birth and see mixed in with the good, was quite a bit of trauma and learned and ingrained responses that still from time to time, get the best of me. Unlearning my need to flee, has been hard, let me tell you.

But dealing with the twin brainchild of anxiety and fear has left me depleted and this past spring, I'd had enough.

There wasn't one gigantic thing that happened, but after one particularly brutal morning dealing with wave after wave of anxiety, I just simply was like, I am done. I. Cannot. Do. This. Anymore. I can't live like this, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Bad things happen in life, but I can't always be "on watch" waiting to see what could possibly, maybe, who even knows, happen. My particular brand of anxiety is catastrophic thinking: "What if this happens? What if that happens?" Cue the doom spiral into nothingness.

I had dealt with horrible anxiety last summer but as the lessening sunshine gave way to autumn and falling leaves, I had gotten a handle on my hand-wringing and fearful thinking. Then winter came and I was sick and then had other health issues that cropped up, and my anxiety made itself known once again. As winter began to lengthen her days and whisper the promise of spring, I began to push away the anxiousness and began again.

Then the "one bad morning" happened and I realized I have absolutely got to change how I am dealing with this anxiety because I am tired of it trying to crush me.

"Fear traps us: It prevents us from growing. It prevents us from contributing to other people. It prevents us from living happy, satisfied, fulfilled free lives. Fear is the antithesis of freedom: it is by definition, constricting". -The Minimalists

The Things That Have Helped Me When Anxiety Decides to Knock on My Proverbial Door

• Don't answer. I jest because as anyone knows who deals with anxiety, ignoring it does not make it go away. What I do instead is hold space for the anxiety. I don't try to run from it or freak out as I am normally wont to do. Instead, I sit with it. Literally. I make room for it to come in and I ask myself questions like, where is this coming from, what started this line of thinking, is this thinking true, if it is not true why am I letting these thoughts take up space, if it could be true or could happen, is it happening now, how are these thoughts helpful, etc... I do not push away the anxiety. I let it come in, it stays for a bit, sometimes longer than I'd like, and then it eventually leaves. It can be hard to do this at first, but as someone who catastrophizes when having anxiety, this particular tool helps quite a bit.

• Meditation has been a game changer for me. I try to meditate every day for anywhere from 5-20 minutes, just depending on the amount of time I have available that day. Meditation has not "solved" my anxiety, but it helps me with my intrusive thoughts and ways of thinking. It helps me to focus on my breath and realize that all we have in life is this moment, this moment right now we are in. As I close my eyes and breathe in and breathe out and quiet my mind, all I have is this second, this small incremental piece of time. I don't know what will happen in the next few minutes or so, or the next hour, or the next day. All I have is my breath, all I have is my inhale, and now my exhale, and now the next breath. Just this moment. Just right now. Meditating has really helped me in seeing the power of right now and again, I haven't "solved for X" or anything, but with more meditating minutes under my belt, I feel better.

• I have mantras that I remember when I feel overwhelmed or when I find that I am subconsciously holding my breath (does anyone else do this?). Again, these are not a fix-all, but they help me when I feel out of sorts and maybe they can help you as well:

  🦋 Resistance is suffering.

  🍃 Everything is impermanent.

  🌺 Nothing is permanent.

• Thoughts can become oppressing rather rapidly I find, and these mantras really help me stay calm and stay the course. I also try to remember what I read recently about emotions lasting about 90 seconds and after that, it is up to us to keep holding onto that emotion. Yes, there are times when an emotion definitely outlasts it's 90 second stay, but it gives me something to think about when an unwelcome emotion rears its head.

• Focus on my dreams. This past spring, in addition to my "one bad morning", I also had an incredible breakthrough in terms of my dreams and goals. Between my meditation sessions, and some wise words that I had the pleasure of reading, everything came together in my brain and these big dreams made themselves known, and honestly it has lit a fire in me that I didn't know existed. I haven't shared all of them here on Substack nor in real life with people I know... yet. For right now, my big magic is staying within me, like a child with an invisible friend that only she can see, until I am ready to give voice to the magic that is brewing inside of me. But I have a fire in me friends, and it is BIG. Every day I wake up, feeling like I am going to burst out of my skin because my dreams are propelling me forward.

"Feel the fear and do it anyway". - Susan Jeffers

I want to reiterate that these are things that have personally helped me in terms of dealing with my own bouts of anxiety. I do understand that for many people, other choices and directives will need to be made and I know that we are all on our own personal journeys when it comes to anxiety and overwhelm. But I want you to know that whatever journey you are on and however you are managing your own thoughts of overwhelm, I am holding a space for you here.

I wish you well and know that you are held. xx