regretting the regret

regret is a six-letter word

A rare nighttime photo I captured last month.

I’ve spent a lot of time in contemplation recently as many others are wont to do as the days edge closer to a new year. Some of my thoughts are future focused but right now, those are a bit murky; not exactly opaque but not crystal clear either. That’s quite alright. I don’t even know what I want my future to entail on this cold December day except maybe a hot cup of tea and a good book.

The past however, the past is where my mind has been burrowing, examining this thing that happened, examining that thing that happened. How could I have shown up differently, how could I have handled things differently, on and on, ad nauseum. (It is really exhausting to be in my brain sometimes).

We cannot change the past; we are well aware of this. And sometimes we aren’t looking to change it at all, we just see things from a different perspective and what we wish, is that we would have had that perspective at that time.

And fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your perspective, this can lead to regret. Regret is something us humans use to flail ourselves with to varying degrees, sometimes learning from it, sometimes letting it become part of our identity. I am sure we have all met people at one time or another, who have let a past regret define who they are, never moving on from it, just wearing it like extra skin beneath their clothes.

Second skin regret is not something we ask for nor do we want.

But how can we look at regret differently?

“Regret is just your moral compass letting you know that it is unsatisfied with a past result that you created. Your regret is there to make you better, not to make you feel bad”. -T.K. Coleman from The Minimalists

How can we look at regret differently? By reframing it. Regret is our moral compass letting us know that hey maybe this situation or result that you weren’t satisfied with, how can you learn from it and put it in its proper perspective. I am not saying that this is a 100% easy thing to do or that charting the icy waters of regret from now on will be smooth sailing but understanding that the regret is there to make us better and not feel worse, is enlightening, especially from the perspective of us overthinkers.

Regret instead of being something that we flail ourselves with can now be something where we invite the question what can I do differently in the future?

It bears repeating but we simply cannot change the past. We can’t keep reliving it in our minds thinking that this will somehow change the outcome. The game has been played, the inning has been pitched, the final score has been recorded for all time. There is nothing further that we can do in this respect.

But what we can do is simply move forward. The pain of past regrets will consume us if we are not careful. Putting them in their proper perspective is helpful. If talking to someone will help with this mind shift, then seek someone whose voice of reason you trust and reach out to them. If pen and paper are more your style, write out what you are feeling and get it all down. Catharsis is beneficial and healing.

My path with regret is taking a new turn. I can’t change the past, but I can learn from it. What’s done is done. If I ever wonder, how did I get here, I will replace it with, I am here.

And what a gift that is.

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